Well, this isn’t what we had in mind now, is it?

To be honest, I don’t have a glamorous plan of what to blog here, e-courses I’ll be launching, downloadable tools to offer or Insta-lives to put out there (but praise God for those that are providing real-time helpful tools for this particular time!) All I have here are some honest thoughts about how I’ve been processing things, how I’m feeling, and things that have been helpful for me over the last week, now that I’ve had a little time.

“I am gonna ROCK this quarantine!”… LOL

The first few days of all this craziness I thought maybe I would, or at least that I should, keep hitting the ground running with work. My immediate response to the news was that I should take advantage of this time, use what I know, and provide value in ways that I can. After all, it wouldn’t be so different than my normal, right? My businesses can totally function remotely, at varying levels of capacity, because it's just me!

I’ll make lists! I will pivot and keep producing! I’ll keep using my voice on social media and encourage people with my knowledge on anxiety, working from home, and the benefits of slow living! I am gonna ROCK this quarantine!

Well, after one day of scrambling around my house (Monday of last week), trying to figure out what the heck is even happening, my out-of-home co-working space closing its doors, wondering what all of this means as an 8-months-pregnant person, feeling every feeling under the sun but trying to stay cool and collected, wondering if I should be doomsday-prepping my pantry, wondering if I’m even allowed in a grocery store, binging social media, wondering if I should have a home birth, and every #WFH warrior using their voices way better than I could to gently lead the pack in the ways of homebound productivity…

I totally crashed. Hello there emotions.

I’m in a GLASS case OF EMOTION!

I had plans! I had my work schedule all mapped out until maternity leave, content to produce, Instagram photos with captions planned, and a see-ya-after-baby newsletter to write. I wanted to finish strong, go into the office, and complete all my writing for clients. I wanted to feel good, get dressed, crush work mode, and do the thing before ya now, doing the realest thing of birthing a tiny human from my body.

I think everyone in NC and America joined me last week feeling similar whirlwind-y things. We are not accustomed to having to change our plans so drastically, and so collectively. There has been no snow day, no hurricane, no terror attack, no holiday in our lifetime so powerful as to totally demand and require a complete, global shutting down of things.

I felt so overwhelmed with information and confusion, with noise and processing what everyone else was feeling in real-time because of Instagram and Facebook. I yelled at John and went to bed furious - at what, I’m not sure.

My inability to roll with the punches and produce real-time content that would be helpful, and maybe provide a little income? John not taking it seriously enough? Having to change my plans but not knowing to what? Being shaken out of my normal controlled routine (helpful for those prone to anxiety - within reason)? Being scared and being mad at being scared because I need to keep my blood pressure low in these last few weeks of pregnancy?

Well, yes. To all of that!

Survival Mode & the real self-care

So I went into survival mode, and I gave myself a free pass, and whatever time I felt like I needed.

A few years ago, I was in the thick of living with constant severe anxiety and panic attacks, triggered by life circumstances that, like this, caused me to feel totally out of control, staring down a tunnel of the unknown. During that time, I learned a lot about respecting whatever my current capacity is to simply live well.

I learned that “self-care” isn’t some fuzzy series of niceties to calm my weak nature and #firstworld problems - it was literally life-saving to me.

At that time, it looked like laying on the couch listening to worship music and letting God love on me, telling me I was doing the only job I needed to be doing. It looked like letting go of the hulk-grip on my business, one that I had worked really hard for. It looked like saving up enough energy to make healthy meals for myself, to go on walks, and to open up to trustworthy people who were equipped to pray through the grittiest of issues I had been pushing down.

Mostly, self-care was me relearning that my value as a person - a wife, sister, daughter, friend, woman, and business owner - does not come from what I can produce, how much I can control, or how much I am approved of by others.

So, on Tuesday morning, I decided that instead of walking down the path of anxiety (a path that gets nicely stamped out for easy access with each anxious thought), I was going to lead myself down the other path I had learned and leaned on years before - self care. For my survival. I did make a list - just for me, to help me keep my focus on life, on peace, and on caring for myself so I can better care for others (peep that in the picture here). Just right there in my kitchen - a colorful chalk-list just like I would write for a kid.

After a week, here is what I know

Never would I have ever imagined I'd be at this part of pregnancy during a global pandemic. And all of this, no matter your situation, is a lot to process. It's a different process every single day.⁠ ⁠

After a week, here is what I know. It’s not always what I feel on the surface, but it is what I KNOW to be true!

God has been speaking and moving, calling people closer to Himself, gently yet firmly showing us the idols we've been choosing and living with - myself included. He is not done, and here in America, we are just settling into a longer stretch of quarantining and home-bound living.⁠ ⁠ That part has been the most challenging, and somehow also the most straightening and life-giving. ⁠

It is totally a challenge mentally! We can’t just go about our normal routines, and we can’t really plan out more than a day in advance because the rules are always changing to accommodate the ever-changing situation. And the hardest part of all, I think, is that we can’t be physically with the people we love.

As I’ve stopped, let myself feel and rest, and asked God what He says, I have felt so much more at peace. And He IS saying something! Can you stop long enough to ask and listen? In such an “unprecedented” time, could we shift that to an unprecedented gift of time to lean into?

I can see more clearly now how I’ve been living - not poorly, but not preparing with and for Jesus. I take comfort in my ability to control my doings. And I don’t prioritize spending time with family and friends like I should be for my own good, as well as theirs! It’s harder to see when you’re in normal work-mode, in go-and-produce mode. What I had been measuring up my worth and value by has been a little too harsh, fast, and worldly. I had been feeling and learning that already, especially since shifting my work so drastically two years ago in the midst of that personal trauma and anxiety.

But to the world, and to America especially, having to stop, having to slow down and turn homeward, having to be flexible and fluid and to look inside, having to see more value in “soft skills” (that are actually some of the sharpest skills) like self-awareness, self-care, self-discipline, or even the value of slower living, it’s a tough transition. But, ultimately, it’s a really good one.

Both thankfulness and an earnestness

In some ways, I am not ready for this to be over yet. I feel myself coming undone and open, like a spring bud opening up slowly in the warm air and sun. I don’t want the world to go back to life as usual. And for that reason I am thankful that we are only one week in, just hunkering down.

How can we care for each other? How can we soften even more into the uncomfortable? How can we pray, asking for grace over lives at risk, over families whose finances and resources are coming to nothing, over businesses who have shut their doors indefinitely? How can we pray against the principalities of chaos and fear?

We can do it from wherever we are emotionally. We can pray even when we don’t understand. We can pray even if we feel numb, apathetic, or too overburdened. Cry out to Him - he’s really kind, caring, and gentle - and he loves to speak to you.

I hold it in my heart before you God. Both thankfulness, and an earnestness.

How are you feeling?

Please comment below or email me. How are you? If you need help or need to talk at all - I am here!

Sending my love and virtual hugs to you today! We’re gonna get through this.

Sam

A little #coronacheckin