Pregnant During the Coronavirus

Hey, y’all. I don’t have all the answers and I’m processing life right now just like all of us are! Writing has always been the most consistent and potent way that I have processed my feelings throughout my life. I’m taking a beat during this unique moment in history, and its interesting cross-section with the unique moments of being very pregnant, to capture some of my raw thoughts on everything. Like I said in this post, I encourage you to take a little minute to free-write some of your thoughts and emotions right now, even if you wouldn’t consider yourself a writer!

When all of the news about the Coronavirus started blasting in our area about two weeks ago, there wasn’t much information about specific precautions to take as a pregnant woman. It was just the main facts about washing hands and social distancing, and other than that, I knew that pregnant women in general have a suppressed immune system for the duration of their pregnancy.

Now that we’re a bit further into this thing, there is a little more information out there. None of it is concrete (we just don’t have the data yet) and most of it changes regularly. To this 8-month pregnant mom-to-be, the unknown of it all is cause for many deep breaths, a lot of grace to react however I react any given moment, and turning off the noise of news and social media, which operate largely in worst-case scenarios and fear.

In my particular area, estimates of peak hospital capacity and CV-related deaths fall on the week of my due date.

We tried for five years to conceive. We got pregnant after a year of trying (which felt like forever) and miscarried. I walked through fear, panic, anxiety, anger, and confusion for the years that followed, and had to work through a lot with God. He was so good to me during that time and looking back I wouldn’t trade the gold that came out of it for anything.

And as thrilled as I have been to have a successful, healthy pregnancy, the thought of birth even in the most normal of times is scary as crap to me! I have never had to be admitted into a hospital before - no broken bones, no surgeries, no watermelons coming out an orifice the size of a lime or phrases like “tearing” and “bloody show.” #realtalk

To put a pandemic on top of all of that is a lot, but it reinforces one thing I have had to learn and keep learning: I am not in control. That is good. God is good and in control and takes care of his beloved.

I know it sounds crazy, but when I omit the noise of the unknown, here’s how I really feel:

If God allowed us to conceive naturally after five years of trying and heartache, and our baby’s due date is somewhere inside the pinnacle of this outbreak in our area, I know I can trust Him. I don’t have to be afraid. If I’ve learned anything in our particular journey, it’s that I can rest in his timing, and the call on our girl’s life is something special. In some way, I feel like this makes sense.

That doesn’t mean I don’t feel a wash of fear or anxiety when I turn on the news. I do. When someone tags me in an article about just going ahead and planning a home birth, or I see news segments about whether or not newborns are at higher risk of contracting Covid-19 and what that could look like, or whether or not I can have a birth partner can be in the labor room, I feel panic - not just fear, but straight-up panic. I am sucked out of my present moment, into a future I can’t know, so I can’t exactly plan for.

In my anxious moments, I wonder if there will be a room and bed for me to labor and deliver in at the hospital. I wonder if I contract Covid-19, if it will affect my ability to birth, or if it will affect my baby. I wonder about the health of my nurses and doctors. I wonder how long it will be until my mom, mother-in-law, and all my closest people can meet her in person. I wonder if it really came down to it, if I could birth at home. In the case of an emergency, we do not live close to a hospital. I don’t know what to expect, because I’ve never given birth before.

The reality is that I could wonder endlessly.

The things that have had to change aren’t the most important things. Two of my baby showers have had to be adjusted (one turned virtual, the other delayed until after baby is here and all of the CV issues are in a stable position.) I can’t have my best friend take birth pictures or have a doula, because at the moment, only one support person is allowed in the L&D room, and that’s John. I’ve been working from home instead of in my office, so in that way, it feels as though maternity leave started early at at most, I just feel a little discombobulated, as we all do. I’m learning to work from home with John, which is has been a huge comfort to me but also has a learning curve.

The things that are most important are that I’m ok and baby is ok right now! I don’t have control of when and how this baby will be born, but I do have some things I can control each day to help keep anxiety under my feet and to remain in God’s peace.

There have also been some pretty wonderful blessings to living in a stay-at-home order while also being on baby watch.

With John working from home, we’ve been able to tackle projects together that would have otherwise felt pushed aside or overwhelming because he is usually only available for those things on weekends.

I have had time to clean, organize, and prepare without having to say no to invitations to do other things.

I feel less guilty about resting, taking days off of work or productivity, taking naps, and staying put.

I’ve been able to scoop up as much sleep as I can while I can.

Stretchy pants as uniform.

Having plenty of time to finish reading on all things labor and birth and life with a newborn.

A slower, more homewardly pace of life in general.

With all the food we’ve been cooking, I’ve been able to freeze some for when we’re in newborn land.

Taking walks with John on a weekday. Going hiking. Treating my body gently and kindly.

We’ve been soaking up amazing Godly teaching, worship, and extended times of prayer together.

This is all going to be quite a story for our girl that we can tell her when she’s older. We can share how she was made for such a time as this and that in the midst of chaos, fear, and a pandemic, she marked our lives forever with joy, peace, and a promise fulfilled from god.

What a time to be alive, and what a crazy time to be pregnant! I have taken so much comfort in scripture over the last two weeks, particularly Isaiah 40, and especially verse 11:

“He tends his flock like a shepherd,

He gathers the lambs in his arms

and carries them close to His heart;

he gently leads those who have young.”

All images by the talented Lindsey Cash Photography at the House of Work studio, featuring Pamut Apparel Hanna Romper

I have also taken a few desperate moments to be still, quiet my mind and spirit, and ask God what He is saying. That is followed by the somewhat difficult and awkward task of just sitting there, remaining open, and listening. But man, when you do that, and you start hearing things in your mind or your spirit, it is SO WORTH IT. He’s spoken scripture verses. He’s shown me visions of angels covering our labor and delivery. He’s given me amazing dreams in which I’m singing praise to the top of my lungs in total abandon. He really does love to tend his flock and gently lead us.

Here are a few questions I have for you - I’d love to hear from you!

If you’ve given yourself a few minutes to free-write or free-pray, what sorts of emotions or thoughts came out that you were surprised by?

Are there any particular prayers or scriptures that are bringing you comfort?

What unique challenges are you facing with the timing of Coronavirus in your life?

What sorts of meditative and spiritual practices have been helpful to you during this time?

If you’re also pregnant during all of this - please tell me, how are you feeling??

Sending all my love to you in these days! And sending a special thank-you to all my friends and family members who are working tirelessly in the medical field.

Sam