How to Be the Inviter
*Note: If you also read Emily Grey of The Flourish Market’s newsletter (highly recommend!), please see below!
What do you feel when you think of being invited to something?
To be invited is to sense that you belong, that you are desired, that you are valued and enjoyed.
We live in an age in which privacy, distance, and space are the norm, but an electronic form of connection is constant. Like, hours and hours each day, day after day.
We can filter and edit our look and our words, and attempt to finely tweak how others perceive us on various “profiles,”…
but real connection is physical. It is present, in person, and imperfect.
There’s no way around that, no Zoom or FaceTime to replace it, and…
I’m looking to have a lot more of it in my life.
In terms of personality types, I happily settle into camp introvert. I naturally gravitate to quiet and solitude to refuel. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy being around others — I do, and I enjoy putting on my extrovert cape and having wild fun! I enjoy laughter and conversation and being ridiculous. It’s simply that I have a smaller threshold for how long and how often I’m “on” versus being “off.”
As I’ve grown older, I’ve given that girl inside a big hug of love and acceptance because she grew up in a home that often felt boundary-less, unsettled, and unsafe. My personal space (my room and my bed) were my safe zones, the places where I could fully be myself, read what I wanted, escape to my imagination, and create the atmosphere that made me feel more in control.
I see now that my background affected my natural inclination to invite others to my home on any regular basis, and to freely invite others in to who I am.
It’s such a process, isn’t it?
But here’s what I’ve also learned in the last 10 years or so.
Listen, I’m no expert in this area. In fact, it’s an area of my life I’m intentionally trying to work on with gumption and grace!
You see, we can sit around, seeing the activities and togetherness that others are enjoying (presumably!) and wonder why we weren’t invited…
enter: motley crew of lies - “not wanted” “not cool enough” “probably annoying to others” “they can see through me and obviously tell I’m a fake”
or we can create a beautiful, meaningful experience for ourselves and others by being the inviter!
We can at once fulfill our need for real connection and invite others in to enjoy the same!
There are a few tips and reminders I have, for myself and hopefully for others, on how to be the inviter in a way that is honest, sustainable, and enjoyable!
Be brave! - Don’t wait for the perfect opportunity to invite others over to your home, out to eat, or to an event. Don’t wait until you’ve got it all together. Be brave — if you want to connect more with someone, or enjoy a group of people, just go for it! Start with your week this week. Is there a coffee or walking date you could work in? Lunch after church? Dinner on a weekday? Or a chill ladies’ night on a Friday night? Start small if it makes you feel anxious, like a simple walking date with a friend for 45 minutes on one day. Just go for making it happen, however imperfect.
Keep it simple - I’ve found that the more relaxed I am as the host, and the more simple the gathering is, the more comfortable others are to just show up as themselves and to keep opening up throughout. You don’t need a Pinterest-worthy gathering to be the inviter. However, if that’s something you really love and have time and resources to create, then go for it! Sometimes I’ll just shoot out a group text saying “I’m going to be at this place at this time. Whoever wants to come, join me!”
Keep it real - I’m talking real life, people! Similarly to keeping it simple, give yourself permission to keep it real. Your home does not have to be spotless to have others over. You don’t have to act like someone you’re not (ie: perfect) to host! You can still be a great host and have had a bad day. Take that permission slip and have a freakin good time just as you are and be honest about where you’re at — it will allow others to do the same.
Don’t take it personally - Others deal with the same feelings of anxiety, stress, and insecurity you do. If you get ghosted after sending out an invite, it probably doesn’t have to do with you! And they’re probably not trying to be rude. We live in a society that’s lost touch on what considerate in-real-life social communication and behavior looks like. Take the high road, believe the best in the other person, and keep being brave to invite others into your life. Everyone has busy weeks, hard seasons, difficult private issues, and anxieties that can affect their ability to say yes and show up.
Also, if others are busy, you could try to plan out for the next week or the next — that’s not abnormal and no reason to be discouraged! But if you find that someone keeps skirting around your invites, just let them go. Again, believe the best knowing you don’t see the whole picture of their life, give lots of grace, and don’t take it personally!
Lean into the opportunity - You’re spending in-person time with others, hooray! Take this sacred opportunity to connect in a meaningful way, even if it’s just asking how someone’s family is, or where they grew up, or what led them to love a particular interest they have. Make eye contact. Listen. Ask a follow-up question. It feels SO good (even healing) to feel like someone else is really interested in you, and it will fill your connection tank to be the one to offer that.
Remember: To be invited is to sense that you belong, that you are desired, that you are valued and enjoyed.
You can be someone that plants those feelings in others, just by extending your hand and opening up the home of your heart, just like it is.
What do you think?
Are you a natural inviter (like my friend Stephanie)? Or are you more like me, a little sheepish, battling some insecurity, or feeling like you’ve got to have your ish together before opening up?
Talk to me, bosom friends! (I’m keeping my mind off of baby-watch by reading Anne of Green Gables, and I just couldn’t help myself! What are y’all reading?)
Here’s to being a tree of life under which others can rest and be restored!
Sam
P.S. Want more relational encouragement? Check out Let’s Talk About Ghosting and How to Embrace Conflict in Relationships!
