Ok, I know that sounds juicy. It’s not really. I really love JK, I regularly listen to her podcasts, and I am grateful for her voice in my generation of women. I’m grateful for her bravery and how she has endeavored to show up for herself, for us, and for her family. It has given me more bravery, more confidence, and more permission to show up fully as myself.

This letter is expressly in response to her latest podcast episode, Are You Living in Alignment? A Conversation on the Almost 30 Podcast.

There have been so few times that I’ve, out loud, said NO while listening to a podcast episode. I consider myself a pretty understanding person, and I enjoy hearing others’ thoughts, even if they are different than my own.

This one podcast episode had me so strongly disagreeing within the first few minutes that I had to turn it off. It was super triggering for me. I know I could (and maybe should) go back and see how they navigate the rest of the convo, but the foundation they set was such a NO for me that I just couldn’t spend any more of my careful thought and heart listening.

I have to say this for myself, and perhaps on behalf of others who are in close relationship with successful, well-known people.

In response to the sentiment that “strangers can support you more than people that are close to you” —

I am that friend/family member that can and does go longer stretches of time without talking business with my well-known friends.

Here’s why!

To the Jenna kutchers, to those women whose businesses run on having large followings and platforms,

Thank you.

I’m grateful for you.

I’m grateful for your voices and your fire. It gives me permission to use my voice and my fire. I see each of you as individuals with a life, a family, a story of your own. I see you as women behind screens in addition to the women you present yourselves as on screens.

I am a close friend to several such women who have quite large followings and platforms. They are a bit famous, you could say. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve gone somewhere and someone has said, “You’re so-and-so’s (sister, bestie, yada yada)!” And I say YES! I am!

I found it so distasteful to assume that the close people in your life who aren’t regularly asking you about the big things you are up to in your business don't understand you, don’t care, or don’t see you for who you really are.

Or that they’re jealous. Or it’s because they haven’t changed in 10 years but you have and that’s why you are where you are today. (Yeah, you said that!)

Kind of major assumptions.

And I don’t think I’m the only listener who felt that way.

I don’t know if you intended, but you sounded as if you considered yourself up here and all of those people down there, that your business and your empire (that yes, I know you’ve spent countless hours and guts and grit creating) are more important than the lives of the people around you who don’t do what you do, don’t seem to understand, and don’t usually comment on it or ask about it.

Please hear me on this.

You need those people in your life.

You need people who are (really or seemingly) unimpressed with you.

There are a million reasons why. Here are some:

It’s healthy for your very public, very lauded life.
It helps keep you grounded
It helps keep you responsible to the people around you in ways that are not business related. (ex: You show up when you say you will, you respond to messages, you work on your communication skills, empathy, listening, and friendship skills.)
It reminds you that you are flesh and blood and human, like every single other person in this world. That your days are limited like everyone else’s, and yes, you may be using those days better than others. I can’t say. You can’t either.

Just because someone who is close to you is unaware of your business successes, or doesn’t seem interested in them, doesn’t mean they aren’t supportive of you.

I mean, it might.

But it doesn’t always.

Look, I’m the flesh and blood right in front of you.

I can be impressed, supportive, and life-giving to you, without always interacting with you with your business in mind.

I can be a normal, regular person in your life and see you as a normal, regular person in mine.

I can cheer you on, and hope you do the same for me, too, whether I have a huge brand or not.

Those friends or family seeming disinterested in your business also doesn’t mean that they aren’t using their days to the very best of their abilities. There could be so much more about them that isn’t seen by you, impressive to you, broadcasted to the world, or made into their own brand.

Come on somebody!

I’m getting revved up, because I am her! I’m that friend and family member that doesn’t always bring their business up.

I care. I am interested. I make sure to show my support in many ways.

But that’s not ALL of who they are to me!

It is a part.

In some ways, a small part.

For a while I was the, as you said, quiet observer — following them on social media because, well, I like and love them, and seeing how they present themselves to the world on social media, as business women, for marketing and for otherwise.

It’s not because I was jealous of their success, or that I felt like I knew all about their biz stuff from their social media so I didn’t need to ask.

I didn’t always ask or comment because:

Sometimes I felt hurt that the tens/hundreds of thousands of followers on the internet knew something about their life, either intimate or not, before I did. Like a child of theirs being sick, or a big success or project coming up in their work. As a friend and family member, I would’ve hoped that it would’ve come up in our private (regular) convos!
Sometimes it seemed like they prioritized their public life/business success over their IRL friends.
There is more to them than their business/brand.

Then I quit social media for a year and a half, and honestly, it did wonders for our friendship!

I had no clue what they were putting out there into the world, because I couldn’t see it. So when I asked “how are you?” I got real real real answers. Business and otherwise. They no longer assumed I knew what was going on in their life/social media life, because they knew I wasn’t on socials. I became more of a person they could flesh out the nitty gritty of public life/big platform business with. And I loved that. I still do.

As a small business owner, and former lady-on-the-internet-trying-to-build-her-empire, I KNOW how much of yourself, your heart, your soul, and your spirit goes into your business. How much time, thought, effort, intention. It is a feat. It’s beautiful.

But we the regular people of your life don’t always need to talk about it.

Part of my story is that I’ve had major success on the outside (engaging posts and many followers and wonderful reviews and a growing brand — all good, and all earned through very hard work) and I had to take a huge step back because I was struggling so intensely on the inside. 5-year Infertility. Debilitating panic attacks (on the job). Crippling depression.

You know what I cared more about in those days? Not that my close family and friends applauded me on my successful business. I cared if they asked me if I was doing ok, and how they could help.

That was support.

The reason that people on the internet can seem more supportive to you than your close family and friends is that :

people on the internet see YOU as the parts you present on the internet. To them, that’s ALL of you. That’s good for them! Let them learn, be encouraged, take you up for what they need. They are not committed to you in any other way. It’s not a two-way friendship or family commitment. Their job is to like you and follow you!
people in your real life see you IN YOUR CONTEXT. What you present in your business/on social media/professionally, to them, is NOT ALL OF YOU. They’ve seen more! They see you at home, with your shiz not together. They see you as the friend who rarely texts back or “pencils you in” for hang times. They see the ways you aren’t good at some stuff, and all the ways that you are who you say you are IRL. They’ve seen the good and the bad that can’t be (and maybe shouldn’t be?) contained in social media reels. They’ve seen your panic attacks, your snippy comments to your husband or mom, and maybe all the ways you’ve pivoted to get to where you are now. And that’s good. They are committed to you in a two-way relationship.

And yes, sometimes the people closest to you drop the ball and aren’t as good of a friend or family member to you as you wish they could be. Maybe they could ask more, engage more, and seem more interested.

Maybe you could tell them that.

And maybe you drop the ball with them, too.

Here’s what I want to ask:

How do you support them?

Jenna Kutcher(s), how do you support your closest people?

How do you show up for them, in their real lives?

Do you go to their hospital where they work and cheer them on while they’re on a shift? Do you ask your uncle the mailman what all has been changing in the mailman business and how good his shorts look?

No!

You’re there for birthday parties, you send thank you notes in the mail, you hang out IN REAL LIFE. You make meals and take them over when someone gets sick or has a baby, you bring flowers to your mom when she’s had a hard week.

THAT IS SUPPORT.

Not just asking them all about their work endeavors.

And maybe sometimes you do ask intentionally (relationship win!), but that’s just small part of being there for someone, of supporting them.

Sending you love and much understanding, and asking for that in return,

Sam

P.S. I know it’s weird to write open letters on the internet to real people. This one meant a lot to me. It’s my real, lived life, being the friend and family of famous people. I hope you understand!

P.P.S. I particularly love the way Jenna talks about her self worth and body and it has greatly impacted the way I see myself, especially in this season after giving birth two times in two years! Here are some of my fave body image posts: Body Language, On Being the Heaviest I’ve Ever Been and Some Thoughts on Aging and I’ve Never Felt More Beautiful

An Open Letter to the Jenna Kutchers of The World