Last fall, as I was flipping through one of my favorite magazines, I came across an article about ghosting. It took me by surprise because, although the act itself has probably existed since the dawn of society (because #humans), research and discussion of the rising social phenomenon are still fairly new.

Have you heard the term? Ghosting is the practice of ending a relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication. This could be via text, direct messages, phone calls, emails, and in person.

Doesn’t it seem like we’re experiencing more ghosting in professional relationships, friends, family, and dating?

I want to look further into why we do it, how to create better boundaries, how to end relationships better, and how we can handle being ghosted more healthily.

In my life and here at SRW, I’m passionate about seeking out relational health, both the relationship to ourselves and our relationships with others. I think personal awareness is a wonderful way to level up in life, mature, and love the people around us better.

I was so impacted by the frank and helpful article by Jennifer King Lindley that I took some time in my Instagram stories to post about it and ask some poll questions.

Why? **Because I think we ALL have been the ghoster and the ghostee, and being on either end can make you feel ashamed and isolated.**

The responses were incredible and so relatable! Let’s look into it a bit more.

If you’ve been on the ghosted end,

you know that it hurts. I’ve had two significant relationships in my life, a serious boyfriend and a best friend, end due to being ghosted, and it left me wondering what was wrong with me, what I did to not receive an explanation, and whether or not that relationship could ever be salvaged.

It contributed to feelings of being not valuable, not worthy of being seen or talked to, and a disappointment to the people who knew me best. Talk about feeling insecure and vulnerable! They were people I trusted to be totally myself around.

Those experiences were, in all honesty, traumas for me, ones that have taken many years, many good cries, many unfiltered conversations with God and healing moments with Jesus to mend from. Can you relate with an experience of your own?

83% of responders to my survey said they had experienced being ghosted.

When asked how being ghosted made them feel, their responses included feeling:

Worthless, terrible, confused, invisible, like they did something wrong but had no idea what it was (several responded with that answer), less than, not enough, not important

If you’ve been the ghoster,

you know that sometimes relationships are hard, life can get absolutely crazy, and sometimes you need to establish your boundaries at any given time to contribute to sanity and perceived safety.

I get it!

In an age where we can be contacted through dozens of different platforms in a day (email, social media comments, social media messages, texts, calls & voicemails, direct messaging apps like WhatsApp or FaceTime, just to name a few!), and we are also expected to respond to each one in a day, social overwhelm is real.

Those who said they had been the ghoster said they did so because:

the relationship didn’t feel healthy any longer, a fear of saying no, they felt they were being taken advantage of, they didn’t know the person well enough, they forgot, they weren’t sure how to respond so they put it off, they were overwhelmed (multiple people said this!)

Today, we have more opportunities to be contacted by more people from varying degrees of relational closeness. We have more of the impression that whoever we contact is 1) directly accessible, and 2) obligated to respond back to us. Long gone are the days of landline phones and just letting it ring if we are busy making dinner, working, or wrangling the kids!

Here’s the thing - I don’t believe immediate accessibility equates to an obligation of immediate response.

I just think we can do better, on both sides!

This is an area in which we need to take up more personal responsibility, integrity, and maturity! We can be relationally healthier, and it’s something worth talking about and working towards.

We are learning as we go, because we’re a generation that constantly shifts socially, thanks to rapid changes in technology and communication.

There is a bigger picture on both sides, and room for growth on both sides. Here are some of my tips and thoughts on how to grow in this area (many of which were gleaned from the real simple article, so be sure to give that a read, too)!

When you’re ghosted:

You can have a lot more grace with the person you are trying to contact, because you understand that they might be busy, overwhelmed, or dealing with something you have no clue about.
You can have grace with them because hurting people hurt people. They may be emotionally unavailable to you. Life circumstances for them can create challenging emotional responses, which affects how they treat those around them, including you.
You can understand more of what anxiety, overwhelm, and relational immaturity looks like in action, and have the grace to extend to those places.
You can know that sometimes life really does get crazy, and if you are not on the top of someone else’s priority list, that’s OK!
If it is a close relationship, approach them with direct words. You could say, “I’m noticing you’re not responding to me. I’d love to hear from you and talk through what you might be feeling.” Give them time and space to get back to you.
If it is not a close relationship, you can express your feelings (“Hey, it seems like you’re busy! I’ll see you around!”) and let go.
You can decide to give them space, pursue at a later time, or create a boundary for yourself towards that person.
You must make peace with a complete non-response. If you never get an explanation, don’t fret over it or continue reaching out for one. Take stock of the healthy relationships in your life, where you are receiving as well as giving.

When you just can’t respond:

Take a minute to ask yourself why. This will differ depending on the situation. Is it bringing up confusing emotions? Do you need to talk the situation through with a trustworthy, neutral person outside of the situation for a listening ear or perspective? Are you simply overwhelmed with life, just too busy? Do you wish you could give that person more time, so you’re waiting for the right time for responding with more of yourself? Are you simply forgetful, and then feel bad when you realize it’s been a week?
If it’s time to end the relationship, it is kindest to explain this in person. Own it and make it clear, and avoid using language that extends possible bridges for a future relationship. It might be scary for you and hard for them, but ultimately, a direct conversation will be most healing for both of you.
If you need to have a tough conversation or to end the relationship, approach with kindness and empathy by explaining something you have appreciated about their friendship (instead of using this time to list out all the things you didn’t like)
Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. (“I don’t have much margin in my life right now to put a lot into our friendship.”)
Know that you are responsible to explain how you’re feeling. You are NOT responsible for how the other person takes it.
Know that any response is better than no response. If you’re too hesitant to talk in person, an email or text is better than nothing.

I am excited to keep growing and maturing with you all! There is so much grace to give to ourselves and others.

We were built to thrive in community. Remember, friction happens in relationships. This is a part of life and living alongside others! But it is worth it to reap the immense rewards of being known and loved. Let’s be the kind of friends who are willing to learn alongside each other! Let’s embrace direct conversations, apologies, friction moments, and continuous growth.

Also remember, we were made for more than texts, DMs, emails, and techy relationships. They are great tools of communication and connection, but they were not created to satisfy our deep longing to be within a safe and healthy community. Reach out, be brave, and start showing up in person. I promise, it will change your life.

I’m here if you want to talk through any of this! Comment below and let me know what you think. Did anything trigger you?

With love, and always learning,

Sam

Let's Talk About Ghosting